This is a tongue-in-cheek excerpt from my book “Dear Editor & Beyond, 2nd Edition”, available as a paperback from Amazon.com:
The brave former Governor Mike Pence (R) of the fine state of Indiana has tried to set things right by signing a “religious freedom” bill, a most necessary step to make it easier to discriminate against those who have the audacity to choose a different lifestyle. Why shouldn’t the pious majority have a God-given right to keep deviants from choosing un-blessed lifestyles? It’s about time someone put things right. Let’s take a less controversial, yet equally annoying case of the chosen lifestyle, – leftieness! Enough of these leftist demands for equal rights for a chosen lifestyle from people claiming they were born that way. Left-handedness is a chosen lifestyle, so in our face!
What a mess it’d be if leftists got their way. Driving on the left side would create chaos of biblical proportions, it’s like poking a left finger in God’s eye. That wouldn’t be right. Ever noticed all the road signs with the reminder “no left turn” or “right-of-way”? Who sits on the right side in Congress? Ha! How about shaking a lefty’s left hand? Confusion galore!
Take books. They open on the right side, using your right hand, exactly as God intended when he created the Bible. It goes for coffee cups too. Why is the handle on the right side? Because that’s where it belongs (unless an uppity leftie turns the cup around). What a mess it would be at serious dinner tables if cups were turned every which way, depending upon the guest’s own chosen cup-o-tea? Ever wonder why the bride is always on the right side of the groom? What a disastrous marriage if she were put on the left, making fun of God-given traditions of one man and one woman on the right?
Now the left-handed minority demand equal “rights,” of all things. Equal “lefts” is fine with me. Remember our God-selected president Bush and his slogan “no child left behind”? He never said “no child right behind.” That’s where Cheney belonged.
We all write and read toward the right, not the opposite. It would be right up my alley if left-handedness was left behind — and rightfully so!
Yeah, let us stamp it out with glee, along with any other chosen lifestyle different from ours! That’s our religious freedom at work!
Go, Indiana! Right away!
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